Pre/Trans Alcoholic?

A couple of my friends recently told me that they have decided to drink alcohol again. Thanks for sharing you say? Well, both of these people are self professed alcoholics. The exciting thing, for me, is that I am comfortable fully supporting them.

I have had my issues with things such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) over the years and for a long time fought hard against many of its teachings. The fact that I am not an alcoholic and had not been close enough to one was an ignorance that created one part of my problem. The other ignorance, I believe, lies within the program.

AA takes an individual with an unhealthy relationship to alcohol and teaches them to self identify as an alcoholic. It is the way you introduce yourself in a meeting and is the diagnoses you are asked to accept. For far too many this alone is a huge step towards recovery. From varying degrees of denial that there is a problem, to varying degrees of acceptance that you can control the solution, AA has helped many to move towards a functional life of clarity and happiness. I now realize just how much of a gift this can be.

What I do still take issue with is the very primary idea in AA that someone who is an alcoholic will remain an alcoholic. There is a life sentence implicit in AA's labeling of an individual. Though you may well be able to have a healthy relationship with alcohol for the first time in your life by not drinking, you will never in your life be expected to get over this fixation. You are basically told that you have a treatable, but incurable disease and that you must live your entire life under alcohols control. Drink or not, you are taught that being an alcoholic will continue to define you as long as you live.

For most (if not all) alcoholics who have not self identified as such and then begun to control their drinking this sentence can be necessary. What I am writing here may actually make their life more difficult. Any hope of graduating from AA may allow them to see the very process of stopping drinking as a way to get back to drinking. AA makes it clear that this is not the goal, and I respect their need to do so. Drinking should never be the goal of someone addicted to alcohol.

But what about graduation? Is it not possible for someone to actually move on from this paradigm of disease/treatment, and the feeling of brokenness that is so implicit, to actually learn to have a healthy relationship with alcohol? This AA does not teach. Possibly should not. But some of my friends, after ten years of sobriety, have come to this conclusion on their own. And I am so fucking proud to here it.

They have spoken with many of the important people in their lives about this; opened themselves up to criticism and monitoring. They have sent out mass emails to other friends that they could not talk to individually. They are so obviously changed, with different motives, drives, desires, expectations and fears, that I for one have amazing faith in their decisions. They do not want to drink to hide anything. There is no pain, no fear in this decision. It shows an amazing courage. They are ready to celebrate life, to join the ranks of us 'normal' drinking idiots and to shed the baggage of limiting labels that they have so staunchly carried and helped others to carry, for so long.

In this pursuit I recognize the very hard path that they are beginning to walk and have offered one of my friends the following letter explaining how an Integral view of the situation might help her to understand, explain to, and coexist with all those in her life who are not in her place.

___

Our recent discussion led me to believe that you may appreciate hearing a little more about one of Ken's concepts. I know how much you love Mr. Wilber! He calls it the 'pre/trans fallacy'. It has to do with the idea I was talking about of people progressing from pre-conventional to conventional to post-conventional. The basic idea is that if you look at some of the ways that people develop over time you can recognize stages that they develop through. Bare with me, I know part of this is stating what is obvious to you. You can then look at the way that people respond to certain situations or questions and see that their actions or answers correlate quite clearly with their stage of development. The interesting thing is that some of their responses appear to be the same, even though they come from different levels and are for different reasons.

Let me illustrate one example (and remember that we're using broad strokes to establish orienting generalizations):

America's involvement in the Vietnam war was met with (at least) 3 different responses from college students of the time, two of which appear identical to someone without an understanding of developmental unfolding. Both the pre and the trans (or post)-conventional answers were 'Fuck you, I'm not fighting your war.' (protest) Conventional students enlisted.

Here's a concrete example [of the pre/trans fallacy] based on empirical research. During the Berkeley riots protesting the war in Vietnam, a team of researchers gave a representative sample of the students the Kohlberg test of moral development. ... What researchers found was that a small percentage of the students, something like 20%, were indeed operating from the post conventional stages (or "trans" conventional stages). That is their objections were based on universal principles of right and wrong, they were not based on any particular society's standards or on individual whim. On the other hand, the vast majority of the protesters - around 80% - were found to be preconventional, which means their moral reasoning was based on personal and rather selfish motives. ... And, as we would expect, there were almost no students at the conventional level, the level of "my country right or wrong" (since these students would not have seen any reason to protest in the first place). ... (from http://www.oregonvos.net/~jflory/new_age_thought.htm)

So, when it comes to morals the pre-conventional response is usually formed by a feeling of 'I do what I need to do for myself'. The conventional response is based on an understanding of rules, laws, religious standards and other conventions that allow people to coexist peacefully. The authority comes from a higher place. The response is some sort of 'I do what is right'. In a post conventional response both the individual and the society are taken into account and a case by case judgement can be made based on what will actually produce the greatest good for the greatest number. The response is more nuanced.

Similar tests have been used regarding abortion.

A person at a pre conventional level will say that abortion is acceptable, because it is their body and they can do whatever they want with it. Someone at a conventional level of moral development will state quite clearly that abortion is wrong because there are rules, laws, morals etc and because taking the life of another is immoral and unjustifiable. Someone at a post conventional level will take all of this into account and is most likely to come up with the answer that, at times, abortions are the best solution for everyone involved.

The pre/trans fallacy has to do with the fact that even though pre and trans reasoning look completely different, if one only looks at the end result, the answer, they can appear to be exactly the same. This creates all kinds of confusion in all different arenas (I'm just talking about moral development above).

I'm making a big deal of this because I think that you are about to walk a very difficult path and it seems to me that any understanding that you can hold of why it may very well be a healthy choice for you to drink, even though many of the people that you are surrounded by also want to drink for unhealthy reasons, is helpful. The point, of course, is not that drinking is right or wrong, but that most people who have problems with drinking are not able to accept the conventionally agreed upon guidelines that a society dictates. Many of them fail to even take their own health and well being into account in even a pre-conventional way, nevermind the well being of society and its conventions. So you are going to have to deal with people who not only won't agree with your choices but also may fundamentally not be able to understand how you can claim to be where you are.

The difficulty will be twofold. For those at a pre-conventional level your actions may seem a justification for their own. A horizontal solidarity in action can easily be confused for a vertical solidarity in reason. A dangerous line to walk. For those at a conventional level the distinction often looks as simple as conventional and non-conventional. It is very hard for us to fully understand the stages that we have not yet embodied. To them all non-conventional actions can appear the same. They will see you as having failed in sobriety. Those at the later edge of a conventional level may be truly inspired and moved by your actions. Some at each level will probably grasp what you are doing cognitively, but not be able to consistently manifest it in their own life. You will be just fine me thinks.

Ayahuasca 4

Ceremony #2 – 100ml

Intention = Emptiness

Emptiness is none other than form. Form is none other than emptiness.

Why Dream?

Upon drinking the ayahuasca I again return to my mat to sit cross legged and focus on my intention while I wait for the effects of the drug to begin. After about 35-40 minutes I begin to feel the ayahuasca coursing through my body as an intense energy. This, once again, is the uncomfortable part. I am looking to die tonight. I am offering up all that I associate as me for the taking.

I am very familiar with the mystical ideas of emptiness and nondual realization. I have a rational understanding of these concepts and am well aware of the notion that this is an inherent knowledge that we all have. There is nothing to learn, nothing to be gained, only the confusion that we have a separate self that must be released. I am aware of this, and in many ways I feel as if any attempts to chase this are futile. None the less I am seeking an experience of emptiness, of oneness with no two. It is often said that such an experience can be painful. I want to be beaten over the head with the death of my ego. I am ready for agony and what ever discomfort that comes is a gift when it is to this end.

As I sit on my cushion and the ayahuasca begins to move throughout my body it comes in many ways. It is incredibly uncomfortable. I am crying, burping, farting, and I want to smile. I create a space for each of these things, witness them without indulging them and watch as they pass. I sense that I am becoming more intimately in tune with my subconscious mind and in some way this feels wrong. I am not usually awake to this. The urge to throw up strikes me as an attempt to correct this, to get it out of my system. I allow this urge to surface, feel it in my throat and my stomach, but do not indulge it. It too passes. Intense visualizations come to me, but I do not indulge these either. They are there and they are fine, but without my desire to get lost in my senses they too fall away. A strong urge to sleep accompanied by deep yawns follows. I notice this and it too passes. I will not sleep through this. Perhaps this too is my bodies attempt to disconnect my conscious awareness from my subconscious mind.

I feel someone come up behind me and wrap their arm around my neck and begin to choke me. This too is ok, and once it is accepted it passes.

At the one hour mark Sylvia walks around the room and checks in with each of us by simply looking at us and saying ‘one hour’. Shortly after this point I feel as if the initial discomfort is out of the way. I have sat with it and now I can lie down and await my death. I am ready, eager even for pain. I am offering my body as a sacrifice to the divine. It’s all quite melodramatic. I, of course, get what I need and not what I want.

What comes to me is a gentle, motherly pat on the shoulder and a wonderfully compassionate, somewhat mocking voice that says

“it’s ok.

You get it.

So what?”

It strikes me as funny, and I feel an immediate release of my grasping self. Yes, this is, and always has been true and I have always known that emptiness is none other than form. The ‘so what’ is immediately apparent to me as the vast creative potential that emptiness is. The realization is only as important as what I do with it. It is nothing unto itself, but it is also all of creation. That is what emptiness is to me, creative potential. I feel amazingly potent; ready for the world, and eager to contribute.

I fall in love with each piece of music that is played. Again I realize that what ever I do in life, music must be an integrated piece. Sylvia is playing wonderful tribal, electronic, chanting, percussive, shifting soundscapes. She plays ‘slate’, ‘pantry’, and ‘Entwine’, three pieces of mine that were made a few years ago in my studio with some friends. Hearing these in this state is amazing; a gift.

I have visions of filling the ceremony space with the people in my life and using ayahuasca and playing music as a therapeutic experience. I work out the whole situation in amazing detail with the boundaries that would be established, the rules of engagement for each musician and even what Sylvia and her partner Zoey’s roles will be as facilitators. They will still man the ipod with their music and probably some extended rhythm tracks that I have created for the occasion. They will fill silence as needed, interrupt noise as desired and provide a launching pad for exploration if desired. Each participant will choose an instrument before the ceremony and this will be their means of communication with the world. If someone does not want an instrument than they will simply say the words ‘I accept that my instrument is my voice.’ Each participant will make a commitment to their speech that says ‘I commit to not use a word unless I am to use it deeply or often’. The idea being that we not fill the space with anything other than pure sound. If someone truly needs to chant the word love 1,000 times than there will be a space for this, but the idea is to be non-verbal when possible.

Each person will be confined to their mat, as we are in Sylvia’s ceremony, and we will be discouraged from dancing or even looking at other participants. This idea being that if you wish to express your self you do your best to channel this through your instrument. There will have to be a mix of skilled and unskilled musicians. Ideally there would be far more unskilled. I am not interested in complexity or technique. I am interested in truth of expression. This requires intention, not technique, but having some skill in the room will help.

I would probably record the whole mess, with some players being mic’d individually and the room being miked as well. I would then be able to chop the whole thing up into many pieces and assemble songs pulling from these sounds. I would make this available on iTunes and to Sylvia to use during ceremonies. Perhaps the backing tracks that I gave to Sylvia would be used at times as our tempo’s would probably be locked to this anyways. I indulge this idea for a while bringing different friends and instruments into the room. Many of the people I love have roles to play here as well.

A little later I wrote an article called Hiding that I am now trying to get published. I wrote about 1400 words that evening as I lay on my mat. When I went to my computer the next morning it was mostly just a case of typing it out.

This emptiness that I am feels amazingly potent. The creative potential is unbounded. I spent a great deal of time lying on the mat feeling capable and ready; awake and eager, inspired and divinely alive. I am still feeling energized by this right now. It is not as if anything new was necessarily known, more that barriers previously believed to be in place have fallen away. Hell fucking yeah.

Meditation can now hold a much different space in my day (when I actually do it). It is no longer a yearning, a striving, a practice for something. It is more of a celebration, a repose, a rejuvenation. Where before I felt a constant need for something to happen, for the process to move forward, as if there was completion to be had somewhere in the future, now I am simply sitting and allowing myself to be energized and inspired by what I already am.

Dreaming took on a new meaning to me during this ceremony as well. If emptiness is the causal ground of all being, the ever present formless and also the place into which we dip in deep dreamless sleep; herein lies creativity. I would then see the waking, walking world as that of form, of the manifest. This is karma as it arises in all four quadrants. If we then look at the sleep cycle we will see that the dream world, the world where subtle energies play free, lies directly between waking and deep sleep, between form and formless for a reason. It is here that we play with possibilities. Dreams can be a testing ground, an opportunity to mix all that is already with all that can possibly ever be. For sure there will be form that arises when we are awake that we have seen in dreams, for we may have planned it or intuited it there. It is in dreams that we tap into and create that which can and will become manifest in the relative world of form. It is also where we assimilate and grapple with the days events. We metabolize our experiences and churn them back into the formless. For it is from here that all arises and is ever present.

In many ways ayahuasca feels like a way to witness, to bring waking awareness and therefore a different level of interaction or control to this process of play with subtle energies.

Ayahuasca 3

Ceremony #1 – 60ml

Intention – Right livelihood.

How can I best use my gifts to be of service to others?

Part of Sylvia's intention for the first ceremony is to figure out the proper dose for each of us. To that end (and because I didn't take boost ups) this was my easiest experience. They got more interesting, more intense each time.

After drinking the oh so tasty beverage I return to my mat and sit in a meditative posture on the cushion. I keep my eyes open and maintain my presence in the room. I am calm and breathing deeply. I work with channeling my breath down through my chest, into my stomach, through my pelvis and then back up through my spine and out my head. At 40-45 minutes I begin to feel an intense energy moving throughout my system. It is looking for a place settle and its efforts are somewhat uncomfortable. I sit with it for 20-40 minutes and once I feel that it have been somewhat pacified I lie down on my back and relax surrendering to what may come.

In thinking of possible career paths one thing that I am dealing with is the power of corporations in this world. It seems clear to me that much of the movement that is happening, for better or worse, is being driven by companies. I do not in any way wish to support the demonization of commerce that so many seem so eager to scream about. I think that economics is a driving force in the world and I want to help those in power to cultivate a more conscious awareness of their actions so that they will feel compelled to make the most compassionate choices. An underlying faith in human decency is implicit in this desire. I blame ignorance, not evil and I recognize my ability to help others become increasingly conscious as one of my gifts and responsibilities to the world. To this end I have been attending FLOW (plug) NYC meetings recently. This is a group that works towards ‘liberating the entrepreneurial spirit for good’.

One of my questions has been whether it makes the most sense to work directly with adults that are already in power, or if I could be more effective working with children who are still developing and will one day have more power. Obviously there is less inertia in children that must be combated, but also less ability to see the bigger pictures. There often seems to be more eagerness for transformation in kids, as this is inherent in growing up, but there is also a longer period of time between when the ideas will be understood, the consciousness awakened, and when they will be having a large scale impact on the world.

I have been trapped in this either or thinking for quite some time, attempting to figure out if I should be studying business or education. If I should be positioning myself in the corporate world or in schools and the questions of what type of infrastructure I should be considering creating has been wrestling with new schools or adult education/coaching centers.

The other powerful peace of my life that I have been consistently sidelining in this process has been music. I am currently working with David on not only developing curriculum for his Integral Judaism class, but also on writing an album that is reaching out to the world in an attempt to make the struggles and the joys that we experience day to day a little bit more of a shared experience. I have always had enormous respect for music’s ability to transcend boundaries of all kinds.

Another constant concern of mine has been creating community. There are many people in this world whom I have grown to love who I want and need to have around me on a consistent basis. Attempting to find ways in which we can both work and play together is difficult, but seems necessary to me. I want loved ones not only near, but involved in some of the ways in which I intend to nurture the world. They have much to give both to me and to those who I hope to be working with.

In this ceremony I had a vision of creating an ideation experience with Adam Henson. Adam works with large corporations to help them create ideas for new products, projects, campaigns, images etc. The vision that I spent much of the night cultivating was one of an experience that we could create for business leaders and their children. The idea would be to use music to connect these (probably mostly) men to their children and to the environment through sound, touch and food. The day might begin with a bit of a concert played by David and I and perhaps our band. This would simply be a chance for shared experience, for adults to be with their kids, to enjoy music together and hopefully to get a little bit excited about the energy that it contains.

Next we would begin to work with some of the mantra’s that we have been writing. This would be when we would get everyone involved. These are very simple and repetitive songs intended to induce a state experience. Each family (I think that the spouse, who perhaps is at often times at home with the children would not be with us) would be provided with instruments, hand drums and perhaps guitars or other melodic instruments, to play. They would now be encouraged to play along with the very simple and slow groove that we would be establishing on stage. My friend Amy, who is a music therapist and spends her time working with children helping them to express themselves through sound would be working the room with her staff. They would be encouraging everyone to get involved, to make sound however simple or complex. Those who have some training on an instrument would be welcome to show off, to share their skills with solos or other flourishes, but the main thrust would be parent and child communicating, connecting through music. I want each family to leave this event with a shared experience of the power of music to connect people physically, emotionally and spiritually. An experience and perhaps insight that will follow them home and be with them in the future each and every time that they hear music. We would send them home with CD’s and I expect that at least the children would be excited to play along again at home.

It must not be forgotten that the point of this experience is to free creative juices in powerful corporate executives, energies that will be used when creating new products for the world. We want these creative energies to be cultivated and also to be as aware as possible of their connection to the generations that are to follow.

I also envisioned my friend Antoinette to be on site with her staff. Antoinette is a healer. She works with massage, reiki and in many subtle ways to help people feel healthy and to free the energies that they may be trapping in their bodies. She is also in training to become a midwife. She is a goddess, feminine energy manifest in its most potent and nurturing form. I envisioned her to be the room in two ways. Explicitly she would be there as a healer. Should be making the rounds as a hands on and off healer, cultivating the exchange of energy within each participant, but also between parent and child. There is certainly much healing and much growth to be done on many levels between parent and child and making this both possible and enjoyable is one of her gifts.

Implicitly (for now) Antoinette works with the process of bringing new life into the world. I would not have her explain to the crowd where babies come from, but as the mother, as a goddess, it is her nature to cultivate the energy of nurturing embrace, of creative birth in each of us. It is this understanding that she would carry with her and share with others as she and her staff move throughout the room working as healers.

I envisioned working with some other friends to connect participants to the earth through eating and learning about raw, organic food and by bringing plants into the room or by going outside for a walk. Too many details to figure out now.

I also realized what the little girl on the plane on the way to Brazil may have been experiencing. She was on a plane with her mother and they were on their way to Uruguay to visit their family. Where was her father? In light of these thoughts and thinking about just how much she seemed to be attracted to me and eager to engage me. I am now thinking that she probably does not have her father in her life as much as she needs; perhaps not at all. I feel as if I was temporarily filling this role, even if only in a superficial and playful way. When it came time for us to watch our separate movies or to eventually go to sleep I probably did not communicate this to her in a useful way. The language barrier was one thing, but I am left wondering if I could have somehow helped her to get to sleep and if in doing so helped her to avoid feeling abandoned by me when I did my best to ignore so that I could try and sleep. It seemed then as if her lashing out with her feet and screams at me was an attempt to re-engage me. To draw me back into her world and out of my selfabsorbed sleep.

Often times we awaken too late for one thing, but it allows us to be more present to the next.

Ayahuasca 2

Setup in Brazil

I arrived in the town of Itacaré in Bahia, Brazil at 2:30am. I met my roommate Jay, who oddly enough turned out to be a bit of an Integral geek and a Ken Wilber fan himself and went right to bed. When I woke up in the morning there were some people outside at the communal table on the porch of the building I was staying in.

The grounds are beautiful. Silvia has purchased 40 acres in the middle of the jungle and is transforming it into her own Shangri-la. There are cabins and paths, vegetable gardens and beautiful flowering shrubs and trees everywhere. There is a pond with a gazebo overlooking it where I got a massage from what may be the most beautiful woman I saw in Brazil. A 6 foot+ goddess with very little English who is apparently married to the surf instructor in town.

Itacaré is a cute little surfer town, the heart of which was a short drive from Silvia’s place. It occurred to me that much in the same way that the artists in cities such as New York are the bleeding edge of gentrification, the sentinels sent out to begin bringing money and white people into an area that many would otherwise consider undesirable. Surfers can often be the intrepid souls who make peace with the natives and encourage hotels, coffee shops, internet cafes and kitschy souvenir shops to open or begin speaking English and catering to foreigners.

Though I envisioned spending a good deal of time traveling around the area, Silvia’s land was so beautiful, peaceful and serene that I ended up spending most of my time there reading, hanging out with my new friends, ‘knitting on the dock of the bay’, reading, doing yoga and just being.

Surrounding the ayahuasca ceremonies Silvia engaged us in a couple of different therapeutic activities. We were taught different relaxation and meditation techniques. We worked with childhood regression techniques. We also were shown films on ayahuasca, shaman, healers, channels and a couple of more mainstream films. Silvia’s partner in all of this is Zoe 7. From their site:

Zoe Seven is an international lecturer, author, and cartographer of altered states of consciousness. He is the author of the books, Into The Void and Back From The Void – an on-going trilogy, which depicts his experiments fusing psychoactive plants and compounds together with computer-based neuro-technology devices (a.k.a "mind machines"). He has written for entheogen and neuro-technology related magazines including The AVS Journal, MAPS Bulletin, and the Entheogen Review, and has also been interviewed on radio and television programs.
http://www.zoe7.com/

Zoe gave a lecture with a power point slide presentation on much of his work and also armed us with images that can be used as visualization tools to promote healing energies during our ceremonies.

While there we ate a diet of locally grown organic food with no salt or sugar.

The ceremonies themselves took place inside of a building built specifically for this. The bottom floor is a dormitory which was flooded at the time and the top floor is where we did meditation, therapy and ceremonies. It is a large hexagonal (some number of sides, but almost round) room with a high open ceiling and lot of natural light.

The ceremonies, three in all, with a day of rest following each one, took place at night starting at 8 or 8:30. We all came to the center of the room with our cup of ayahuasca (it’s prepared as a drink) to state our intention and place it into the drink. We were each asked to state one intention for each ceremony. We then drank and returned to our mats. We were each given a mattress which were placed around the edge of the room. Mine was between Cida and Nara a mother and daughter whom I became extremely close to during my time there. It was very powerful being between them during ceremonies and I fell in love with them both within days of meeting them.

Silvia set up a few ground rules for the ceremony. We were asked to stay on our mats and to be as still as possible. We were not to speak to our neighbors unless spoken too. We each had a pillow and a blanket and a trash bag lined garbage can to vomit into. Silvia asked that we do our best not to vomit for the first hour. At the one hour mark she walked around the room and said ‘one hour’ to each of us. She then did this again at the two hour mark. At this time and for the next few hours we had the option to take a ‘boost up’ of more ayahuasca if desired. I didn’t want to be thinking about taking more during the experience, so I simply tried to get as much as they’d allow me down in the beginning.

Silvia played music throughout the ceremony and luckily she has great taste. It was beautiful and peaceful at times and challenging at others. At times she played nothing and we could hear the cacophony of wildlife outside; mostly frogs and crickets.

Ayahuasca 1

BACKGROUND AND TRAVEL

This should be the most boring post of this group. I have far too much to write about this trip to do it in one post. So I am going to break it up into 6 as follows (click on the links to jump around):

Background , Travel

Setup in Brazil

Ceremony #1

Ceremony #2

Ceremony #3

Analysis and other Crap

Background

I met Walker at Amy and Eric’s wedding in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina. They rented two large houses on the beach for a week and invited friends and family to come when they could; family in one house and friends in the other. Walker and I spent a lot of time talking raw food, consciousness and generally geeking out. A month or two later we were talking online like a couple of little school girls getting all excited about common interests and he suggested a trip to the Amazon to do ayahuasca. I, of course, agreed on the spot saying something to the effect of ‘let’s not talk about it, let’s just do it.’ Another month passed before Walker forwarded me an email from a friend recommending ayahuasca-healing.net as a resource. I agreed immediately that this was the place and decided to buy a ticket. We originally envisioned traveling to the jungle and then trying to find a shaman and convincing him/her to let us partake in a ceremony. The journey would have been the trip. Finding lodging, food, dealing with bugs, trying not to get killed etc would have required a lot of energy. At this place, which is run by a clinical psychologist named Silvia Polivoy, we would have cabins, bug nets, and a whole lot of locally grown organic food to eat. I was sold almost instantly.

I also assumed that we wouldn’t be dealing as much with the magical worldview of some primitive culture. This is important to me when it comes to the environment in which I will be unpacking and processing my experiences. We would instead be in a therapeutic setting with all activities being conducted in English. Big plus.

Arranging flights was eventful. Travelocity and TAM airlines make for a minimally communicative experience. I had to push pretty hard to get flights rearranged at one point when one of the legs of the flight that I was sold ceased to exist (but continued to be sold). It also became apparent early on that Walker was not going to have the monetary funds to make the journey. No problem, I’d go it alone.

I spent weeks before leaving preparing for this experience. I made a conscious decision to make this as transformative an experience as possible. I decided to be as vulnerable and to offer as much of myself to the experience as I could. In the spirit of this I did a lot of writing and worked with my ILP partner Amy with what I was coming up with. Without boring you with too many of the details I came up with six topics of exploration.

Career – How can I best use my gifts to serve the Kosmos - what is my purpose in life.

Relationship – Why don’t I have a family and how can I get one

Agape – I am skilled at engaging others with a challenging, transcendant masculine energy (eros). How can I become better at engaging others with an embracing, accepting, descendant feminine energy (agape)when this would be of greater help to them.

Six-Pack – I will be in the best shape of my life this year and the next.

Enlighten-up – Get enlightened and cultivate non-dual walking awareness and action.

Cognitive – What should I study? Do I need a teacher? School?

Armed with a decent amount of writing on each of these topics and ridiculous amounts of thought, much of it directed towards cultivating the most fulfilling career path possible (while struggling to engage my current career). I proceeded to get sick a couple of days before leaving.

Day 1 (and 2 (and the beginning of 3)) - Travel

Arrived at JFK at 6ish on Monday for a 7:40pm flight. I will be arriving in Bahia at 2:30am on Wednesday. It is currently 1:30pm on Tuesday and I have barely slept. I spent the majority of the 10 hour plane ride from NYC to San Paolo being kicked by a screaming, sleeping, 3 year old. I was kinda impressed too. We spent the first half of the flight as play buddies. I would try to read and she would unhinge my tray so it fell in my lap. We laughed for hours. Then it was time to sleep and someone was not having an easy time of it. She was in between me and her mother. She would lay her head in her mothers lap and her feet were by my side. Every once in a while for a few minutes at a time she would start thrashing, kicking her legs violently into my side, screaming and crying, all while still half asleep. That was fun.

When I got to San Paolo I had to get my luggage and then catch a shuttle bus to the other San Paolo airport. This was an hour and a half ride through traffic. I nodded off for a couple of minutes and woke up sweaty and confused. When we got to the airport I grabbed my bags, walked to the gate and was told that my plane was leaving in ten minutes and that I was too late. They sent me to another counter. These nice people told me that I could catch the same flight the next day. I said no, today. So they told me that I could catch a flight that leaves in about 10 hours…..at the airport I just came from. OK. It’ll cost you $100 dollars to change the ticket. NO, you booked this flight and told me I would have plenty of time to make the connection, this is your fault, you pay. OK. What they didn’t tell me was that I was actually going to have two flights. Instead of one 2 hour flight I am now waiting 10 hours to take 1 two hour flight and one 1 hour flight. I will arrive at Ilheus airport at 1am and then take a one hour taxi ride to the place I will be staying at. That fucking rocks.

I’m actually having a good time in the airport. I’ve met this dude named Kerem from Baltimore who is currently living on a little island off the coast of Brazil doing web design and producing music. Brazilian women seem to like us. I fucking suck at dialing international numbers. There are country codes, which aren’t needed when you are in the country, but are given to me as part of the number based on the assumption that I’m not ignorant. I am. There is also a 3 digit service provider number that must be dialed from the payphones in the airport that lets you choose your carrier. This is written clearly on the phone in Portuguese, which I don’t understand.

All in all I will have spent 32 hours traveling, assuming the rest of the trip goes as planned. This is slightly more than the 19 hours I expected based on my itinerary. Se la vi.

Purim

I've been working with Mr. Wesson over the past couple of months helping him to develop curriculum for a class that he is teaching called Integral Judaism. He has a group of 14-15 yr olds that he is attempting to develop a truly fresh and inspirational view of Judaism with. I help him out a bit when it comes to having as comprehensive or integral approach as possible by using the concepts and tools that I am studying now. He is the Jewish Studies expert and not too shabby on the integral side himself.

Purim is a Jewish holiday that celebrates what most Jewish holidays celebrate; Jews not being slaughtered. This time it was a guy named Haman from the ancient Persian Empire who wanted to annihilate the Jews. They triumphed....or at least escaped, and so we celebrate.

David was telling me about one aspect of Purim that involves truly throwing off your shackles and really digging into the shadow elements of oneself. This can start with screaming and stomping during service, progress to drinking, dancing, sexing and pretty much anything else. He said that by many accounts 'what happens on Purim stays in Purim'. Part of the idea is simply to recognize the parts of the self that are suppressed or denied throughout the rest of the year, to get in touch with much that is taboo, not to indulge it, but to better understand it and to therefore be more in control of it.

We decided that it would be a great opportunity to explore shadow with the students (the parts of our psyche that usually lie in the dark, hidden from our view) and agreed that an experiential aspect was important. After seriously considering getting the kids drunk and encouraging them to explore their boundaries of right and wrong we decided that perhaps a discussion, followed by a meditation would be more appropriate.

Here is what I wrote, stream of conscious style and what Dave ended up using as a basic guideline in class. All questions in the discussion section can be discussed for any length of time and the meditation could be 5 minutes or 60 depending on how long you want to allow each line to marinate. Apparently the students enjoyed it. I really hope to be able to go in and teach a class soon.

Discussion

What is ok?
Are all actions acceptable?
Are all thoughts acceptable?

How does the setting and the company you keep affect the acceptability of your actions?

at home?
in class?
with friends?
in temple?
Do setting and company affect your thoughts?
Should you control your actions?
Should you control your thoughts?
Can you control a negative thought without first recognizing it and labeling it as such?
Can you control your actions if you deny your thoughts?
If a negative thought arises and you disown it, where does it go? (shadow)
what can happen if you re-own such a thought?
Who created that thought? (Integral perspective, see how it arises in all 4 quadrants)
4 quadrants of a thought. Each moment as two things, karma (in all 4 quadrants) + creativity
No matter what your environment, history, DNA, beliefs (karma) etc. you still have choice
What is involved in being good?
What are some things that you don't do?
How would you know not to do them if you did not think about them?
Does having these negative thoughts make you evil or even negative?
Most mythic religious traditions view evil as something that comes from outside of you. How does this empower or disempower you to do good?
If evil comes from without, how can you control it?
But if it arises from within?
What does it mean if you have indulged negative thoughts with negative actions in the past?
How does that affect this moment? The future?
Are those who have sinned dammed to continue to sin?

Experiential

Close your eyes
What are you thinking right now?
Is that good?
bad?
neutral?
How do you know?
What if I tell you to think of something evil?
Try it right now
now let your mind wander free
notice that you are not your thoughts
see how you can control your thoughts
send your mind to a negative place
can you think of something that you should not do?
something that society has told you is wrong
something that your friends think is wrong
something that your parents have forbid
something that you would never do
can you see yourself doing it?
does this mean that it is done?
does this change who you are or what you will do in the future?
does having felt this in your mind make you more or less likely to actually do this?
what value is there is in letting these thoughts arise on their own?
what harm is there in this?
what power can you wield by simply noticing thoughts?
can you then decide whether or not to act upon them?
can you also decide whether or not to indulge them in your mind?
is there a difference between allowing a thought to surface, simply noticing it, labeling it, and indulging it, feeding it?
might there be a line between healthy awareness and unhealthy indulgence that you should practice being aware of?
what are you thinking right now?
notice this thought
see if you have judged it
did you also judge yourself?
are you your thoughts?
if you are your thoughts, then who is judging them?
who is aware of your thoughts?
do your thoughts change?
are they fleeting?
is there something that is constant that is aware of your thoughts?


Choose a thought
create a vision of this room
right here
right now
Envision each and every person in this room sharing one thought
feel the resonance of this thought as it grows
realize your part in this thought, your contribution
feel the effects of each and every other persons awareness of this moment upon you
now focus on your breath
breath in
and now out
realize that each of you is doing the same
NOW DANCE!!!!! bitches!!!!! (play really loud music and giggle maniacally making them call into question everything you have just done and learning to ultimately trust no one but themselves, then pee on them)

Head Above Water

It was a rough few months, and somehow, jumping back into the blog thing seemed daunting. I've talked so much about the homeless situation (which lasted a month) and the events that surrounded it, that I was just bored with it, but felt like i couldn't just completely gloss over them and post something that just happened. So I didn't write anything. I'm gonna attempt a condensed version of the past months so I can move on and start writing again, as exciting things are happening.

On Friday, October 17th 2007 I left my apartment early in the morning to drive up to Stamford, CT for work, and then to head straight to Boston to see the Wesson's for the weekend. While I was gone the DOB (Department of Buildings), the Red Cross, the police, the ASPCA and a goon squad kicked everyone who was living in my building out. The broke down doors and everyone was forced out on the street. They cited fire code violations as the reason, but many suspect that it was the fact that we were living in a building that is zoned for manufacturing. Converted lofts are a staple of NYC living, and the only way that many artists can live here. There is also a history of tenants fighting the city to stay in their places. A large group of photographers, painters, musicians, set builders, filmmakers etc. lost their work and living space with only a couple of hours to gather their belongings and get the fuck out. On top of that our landlord walked away with our security deposits; the very thing that people rely on to get a new apartment ($3600 in my case). So that sucked a bit. We got organized, had a press conference with a couple of political reps speaking on our behalf, had a fundraiser and have been consulting lawyers about possibly suing our landlord. All in all a great time.

That weekend I was actually going to Boston to see David so we could sign a contract with one another promising that we would write, record, and release an album within the next year. The first month was to be spent writing one song a day and sending them to each other online. Being homeless made this interesting. I wrote and recorded guitar parts in hotels, my Manhattan office, and in the brief moments I was allowed back into my old apartment. Part way through the month one of my laptops died (the one I had set up for mobile recording). I ended up making it through 20 days of songs before the lack of sleep and general ridiculous of my life wore me down. I also spent the first 3 weekends of homelessness taking 20 hours of classes a weekend out in Long Island to get my NY state low-voltage license. That sucked.

I was back in Boston visiting the Wesson's again over New Years. Dave and I pulled together 5 songs out of the writing experiment, got rejuvenated to continue writing and I got to see Dave and Candi's beautiful daughter Talia take her first ever steps! I picked up Agape from my ex-girlfriends and found out that she is pregnant.

I have now landed in a kick-ass apartment in Williamsburg (Brooklyn). I love it, Agape seems to love it too. I bought a TV and got cable and my first ever Mac. I have been without a TV for six years. We'll see how much of my life blood it sucks, how much less reading and conversing with visitors I do and whether or not I can keep it around. I just started my second class at Fielding Graduate University. It's Advanced Integral Theory. The geek quotient is rising. I love it. I went to Georgia for my company Christmas party. I've made a couple of trips to Austin for work recently. I'm off to Wilmington, NC next weekend to visit my good friend Antoinette and take Reiki level 1 and 2 classes with her. February 8th was my 30th birthday. My surprisingly thoughtful sister (what has she become?!?) threw a little surprise party for me at a local bar, which was awesome.

All in all I am settling in. I hate the winter once again. I need sun soon, and I'm sick of being single. Work is work. School is a welcome challenge, and it feels great to be playing the guitar again. More to come.

I'm Homeless / Hipsters Unite

Press Advisory Contact: Brian Faucette

Phone #: 704-562-xxxx

October 25, 2007 Email: help1717troutman@gmail.com

Unfairly Evicted Tenants Fight Back

Press Conference and Rally Featuring Hundreds of Supporters and Tenants

Scheduled to Protest Surprise Eviction at 1717 Troutman

On Friday, October 26^th, hundreds of tenants of 1717 Troutman will join with supporters, friends, family, and community and housing advocates to show their unity in the face of their surprising eviction. Left homeless after vacate notices, tenants will join together to express their outrage at the situation and attempt to convey to City officials and the landlord the urgent need to find a permanent solution to the tenants problems. Leaders of the tenants will discuss the situation of the homeless residents, their lack of options on where they have to stay in the interim and long term, as well as the urgent need of working professionals for a place to live and work.

What: Press Conference and Rally to Find Permanent Solutions for 1717 Troutman Residents and Prevent Adding the Tenants to the Homeless Population of NYC.

Who: Brian Faucette, Claribel Jolie Pichardo, Mat Swajkos, Sean Raspet, and other Tenant Leaders, will be joined by hundreds of supports and tenants as well as invited community leaders, housing advocates, and elected officials.

When: Friday, October 26^th, at 10 A.M.

Where: Directly Outside the Vacated Premises of 1717 Troutman (located by the side streets of Cypress Avenue and Seneca Avenue. 2 blocks from the Jefferson stop on the L train)

###

The Big Three - The Good, The True, and The Beautiful

Integral Studies - Lesson 2

One key aspect of Integral Theory is the 4 quadrants (shown below), often referred to as I, We, It and It's. These are four perspectives through which we can view the world. The idea is that all things arise in all 4 quadrants. The Upper Left (UL) quadrant is the interior of the individual the Lower Right is the exterior of the collective etc.

These 4 quadrants are often simplified into the Big 3 and correlate rather nicely with the tried and true philosophical ideas of the Good (we), the True (it), and the Beautiful (I). As it is only through each of these perspectives that we can know what is good (ethics, intersubjective), true (science, objective), and beautiful (art, subjective), it is important to remember that far too often we each tend to favor one perspective over the others and much suffering ensues.

Our assignment was to describe a memorable event in our lives using the language of each of these three major perspectives. Someone wrote about the birth of their child, and someone else lamented that they could not write about their own birth....so:

I opened my eyes and there they were, presumably the people who had been poking me and playing that awful music right in my ear every night. I know who she his, she feels like me. I think that we are the same. But these other men I’m not so sure about. One of them seems almost familiar, and now he his looking at me. He loves me. He is crying. Where the hell am I? It’s cold, I think someone just smacked my bottom, and suddenly the liquid that I’m breathing feels very thin and harsh. I’ve been screaming to go back, but no one seems to understand. They are passing me to her, laying me upon her chest. Here I feel at home again.

We knew that this was the most important day that we had experienced together as soon as the first contraction happened. There was a moan, the walls drew in, and suddenly we felt a rush of energy and anxiety course through our veins. Someone grabbed one of our hands and said that we needed to head to the hospital right away. We didn’t think that there was much too worry about, but we didn’t really have the energy to argue with him either. He is a sincere and caring man, and though he was not experiencing things quite as viscerally as we were, we knew that he shared our joy and concern for the import of this moment, and so we allowed him to lead us all to the car and drive straight away to the hospital.

It came out with a slurping sound and started wailing right away. It seems to have become proficient in the use of its levator palpebrae superioris muscles prior to seeing the light because it is blinking quite profusely. There seems to be blood and a number of other fluids coating the skin and what little hair covers its head as if the creature had just immerged victorious from battle or some other violent encounter. The umbilical chord was snipped like a piece of sausage and the placenta was bagged and rushed off to storage. The babies toes were counted, it’s face wiped off and it was placed gently on its mothers chest where the screams finally stopped and its heart rate slowed to a more restful pace.

It was interesting to talk from the we space of the mother-child union that is really a blurred line between self and other to begin with. Presumably the moments surrounding birth are when such a line is being drawn the most and yet also the most difficult to distinguish. The IT language felt cold and inappropriate for such an event, but no doubt was the most important for the overall health and well being of all involved. I don’t actually remember being born, so you’ll have to forgive my imagination creeping into the assignment, but from a completely subjective point of view who is to say that what I have described here is not a direct result of some sort of memory, or physical imprint from the actual birthing experience? Certainly not me.

Integral Studies - Lesson 1

Since part of me reason for taking courses in Integral Theory is to be accepted into the cult and thus help spread the good word I am going to try sharing my responses to assignments on this here blog. I know that some of you are wondering what the hell I have gotten myself into while others have an inkling and are curious to know more. Some already know quite a bit and perhaps as this progresses you shall learn even more with me. Please feel free to question and criticize at al times.

We have short weekly assignments in the form of written responses to readings that we are doing during the week. We post these responses in our ‘classroom’ which is actually an online forum where we are also required to comment on one another’s responses. Already, simply pondering the possibility of this I feel more engaged with my classmates than I often did in the regular brick and mortar atmosphere of undergraduate work where I rarely knew what others work consisted of, never mind engaged it actively. This could be fun.

Lesson #1 is a practice lesson based on about 75 pages of introductory reading on Integral Theory.

Dig it:

In my attempts to help consciousness blossom in myself, and all of those I come in contact with, few things seem to allow room for as much hope as the integral model. By using five elements of the AQAL model (quadrants, levels, lines, states and types) I am able to approach and understand the intricacies of interaction that play out within, between and around us in ever more subtle and effective ways. With the Integral Operating system as a tool walls come down, bridges are built, and new tools emerge from the synthesis of once disparate fields.

When working with children simply recognizing the need for a young, preconventional child to learn what is expected of them in society and reach a conventional level of development can be enlightening for someone who tends towards postconventional thoughts and wishes to foster the same in said child. Understanding that stages or levels unfold sequentially and can not be skipped allows us to appreciate the steps along the way and nurture them as healthy and natural rather than scolding them as less than ideal.

It can also be eye opening to recognize the lines of development that individuals exceed in or struggle with. Having this ability allows one the ability to appreciate one child’s cognitive skills, while recognizing that she may need your help when dealing with the other children emotionally. At the same time another child may be the perfect, emotionally outreaching playmate for her, but be lacking in his kinesthetic or physical sense of self and need encouragement or shelter from those more physically able or aggressive.

God's Own Drunk - Wake the Dawn

My friends David and Seth came to visit me when I was living in Charlotte, NC so that they could record an album for their band God's Own Drunk. We produced an album of 14 songs called Wake the Dawn.

David and Seth came with a bunch of songs that they had been playing with the band in Boston. The band is generally a four piece, but only the two of them could make it down for the week, so we had Dave on acoustic guitar, harmonica and lead vocals and Seth on lead and acoustic. They recorded the eleven songs that made it onto the album in this small time. This left me to fill in on bass, program drums and add what ever other bits of noise I saw fit after they had left. They also ended up including three of my instrumental pieces on the CD.

Some of the songs stayed quite pure and simple as they were written and recorded. Some Have Been Lost is one of these. It's also one of my favorites. Dave wrote this for dear friends for whom the world was both too much and not enough and who are no longer with us, as well as for the rest of us who are.


God's Own Drunk - Some Have Been Lost


Some of the songs on the album ended up a bit more rock or blues as the band usually plays them live. Clockmaker is one of these. Some became more esoteric and haunting like Rise Through the Ashes. These are songs of spirit and soul and the American hole and all of the crap that gets stuck inside.

Seasons Change left me feeling like the music that was recorded did not fit the vocals and the lyrics. So I threw out everything except for Dave's voice, and created a slightly dancy remix (or ReVerse as I call it; as Verse is my musical alter ego...or just ego).

If you are interested in hearing what an integrally informed lyricist comes up with, then I do not know of too many places to look. David is one of those places. His interest and knowledge in all things spiritual and integral has truly been blossoming in the years since the writing/recording of these songs, but I think that they can give you a glimpse of a burgeoning 2nd tier awareness and much of the grace, grit and harmonica spit that builds the foundation for such a leap.


God's Own Drunk - Seasons Change (ReVersed)

The album was release on my label NoAffiliation in 2005. Please be kind to the dilapidated website that was built around the same time. If what you're hearing strikes a chord and you'd like to hear more, than the album can be found on iTunes, CDBaby and probably a few other places as well.

Fast and Slow - The Master Cleanse

It is time for me to take stock of my eating once again. I have felt the need for a cleanse coming on for a month or two, but have been finding excuses around every corner. Once a year, for the past four years, I have done Stanley Burrough's 'Master Cleanse' for ten days. I limit myself quite strictly to nothing other than the lemon juice, maple syrup (grade B), cayenne pepper and water drink that I have begun to call 'cajun lemonade' as well as laxative tea in the evening and water as desired. I have managed to find something in my schedule for the past couple of months that would make not eating (or drinking alcohol) for ten days a real pain in the ass socially and professionally, and I have caved to my baser desires each time.

Along the way I have been pushing myself farther and farther from the path of my ILP. I have been meditating less and less, working out less and less, doing yoga less and less, and drinking, over eating and eating crap more and more and more; culminating in the past week. I spent the past week in Stamford teaching a class on card access software. This means that I and one of my coworkers spent the week holed up in the Holiday Inn on the company tab. It also means that we felt obligated to entertain our customers who were in town to take the class. The food was wonderful. From a 3 person $600 dinner at Morton's with amazing steaks, wine etc. to a great wine and Italian food meal at Siena's Ristorante to copious amounts of beer at the hotel bar and numerous other locations throughout the city, I was full the entire time. This, of course, did not stop the consumption. Not until today.

Today I have not eaten a thing. Not even some cajun lemonade. I am still full. But I am excited to learn what hunger feels like once again. To experience the heightened sense of smell that comes with a cleansed palate and truly clear sinuses. I am excited to explore my desires to eat, teasing out the subtleties of boredom, nervousness, tension, stress, lust, exhaustion, loneliness, imbalance and many other things that I often confuse or mask with hunger. I am excited to feel the increased energy coursing through my body. Each time I have done this fast/cleanse I have found myself having an increase in my energy levels after the first couple of days. This probably sounds backwards, but has been an obvious result each time. I am well aware of the many ways in which I overeat, and of the many foods that, when eaten, seem to require more energy to process than they are providing during that processing, but I never realized the extent of energy required for digestion.

I recently read 'Enzymes: What the Experts Know' by Tom Bohager and was a little surprised to read him write that 'the act of digestion consumes as much as 80% of our daily energy'(p101) The interesting side is what this has to do with enzymes. This is one of the strongest arguments for a raw food diet that I am aware of. Digestion requires enzymes. "Enzymes are catalysts, substances that cause a chemical reaction to move faster. For example, air is a catalyst for fire...enzymes are the catalysts of biochemical reactions in living organisms"(p7) Most food, when 'alive' contains all of the necessary enzymes to digest said food. "I'm sure you've observed an apple going "bad" because it sat...too long. You didn't eat it, so it ate itself... The enzymes within that apple have become active in a digestive manner."(p14) So, food, in it's natural state contains enzymes......unless we heat it above 116 degrees (cook it). When you heat food it kills the enzymes in it. Some actually start dying at 106 degrees. But what happens when you eat something that does not contain enough enzymes to aid in its digestion in your body? Your body provides the necessary enzymes. This is one of the major roles of the bacteria in your body, they creates enzymes. The problem here is twofold. One, through ingestion of antibiotics, which kill all bacteria, good and bad, most of us are low on the good bacteria. Two, our body needs enzymes for a number of processes in the body other than digestion.

Digestion is priority number one in the body. Without it we starve and die. Number two is probably the immune system. So guess who gets robbed of enzymes when our food requires more digestive aid than we have available? I know that I started getting a bit sick this past week, and I was eating a lot of cooked food, especially meat. I was also under slept and often drunk, but the food I was eating was not necessarily allowing my bodies energies to compensate for other systems need for increased resources. I probably needed more enzymes. Getting good bacteria through probiotics is one option.

I have been making my own probiotic at home. Kombucha tea (seen fermenting here):
That's the mother floating on top. Isn't she pretty. I actually drink that stuff. It's alive and it helps me to stay that way....I think. Things such as yogurt and Kefir can be probiotics as well. I am also looking at Enzymedica, one of the companies recommended in Bohager's book, for enzyme therapy, and probably for probiotic digestive aids.

So,I will be giving my system a break for the next ten days, but I will also be doing a bit of experimentation. During my last fast I found myself really wanting to continue beyond the ten days. I felt wonderful and energetic, but Thanksgiving was impending, and I decided to use the 3-4 pre-Thanksgiving days I had available to ease my self into the feast. This time I intend to leave myself open to the possibility of continuing, in some capacity, beyond the alotted ten days. What I am really interested in is supplementing the cajun lemonade with some other things that I have been experimenting with. I find that taking a large quantity of something on an empty stomach can be the best way to get to know it and its effects on my body. So I may try out a few things such as kombucha tea, maca, camu camu, reishi, crystal manna or raw cacao 'on their own' as I have mostly been eating them in smoothies. Could be interesting.